Lost and Found

Had lost my blog ID - n happy to find it

Had lot to say - but lost that too

Will find some thing new to say :)

Just be ...

Its difficult to just be. It is difficult not to think of reactions, it is it is difficult to not let them affect. I am not all good and don't want to be either

I realise the more i try to harm less, the more do i harm. A step of mine will either crush the wild flowers or the straw of grass or the pebbles. so what i do not walk or do i walk the same path everyone does so that i will 'destroy' less. even if my heart is not in the journey everyone else takes

how much one need to think , why one thing is important then the other. Why i don't need to think of a coffee but need to think of my smile.

It feels like the only emotion i am in touch with these days is fear and that absorbs everything else from reaching me.

Some one said don't think just be - its true because that what ever i do will have a reaction to it.

The more i hold the more i die, the more i let go the more i kill

only if i din't exist- or shoudl i just be - then why think

...

SCREAM

Memories of communication

It feels rather strange to even write about this. What could be just a change of hand set (Cellphone) to some is something else to someone.

i recently had to change my handset. As i didn't want to loose more data i quickly switched form my old to new handset and transferred the contact list. I don't change hand sets too often. So the last one i have been using for about 3 years now. I feel they were the most remarkable years of my life and i could see myself grow as a person, build more associations. i have moved miles closer to being Me. Stopped worrying about what others want me to be. and there are hundreds of communication with some and many, who have brought me where i stand today. Much at peace, much happier.

Many communications which make this part of 'my story' were trapped in that small device we all call Phone. Cell phones have become such a source of communication that this one with which i was parting, still held so much of information, things i would still go back to and ponder on, a text which made me smile, an angry word not yet buried, 'Just the care' needed in time, last communication with the friend i lost an appreciation which made me think world of me and many more ...

To retain all that, which was important enough for me, i made all the efforts to transfer the text history but without any success. i held the handset for days, till finally when i had to take a call on it and discard.

Today finally i was pushed to reformat it and erase all of that, though something someone said, made me over come almost an traumatic situation :) - Let it go, the experience of those moments will always be with you - isn't it!

YES IT IS and the the people who made them are still with me. I look forward to creation of those new moments with them ...with us

Keep It Simple Stupid ( Silly - i heard is more 'acceptable')

some one said that to me long time back, about some one. Interestingly in those days i was simple enough to for anyone to say that to me.

Recently have been toiling over creating my on space, wanting to feel the air under my wings and wanting to fly. always cribbing around how things have not been working. Trying really hard for those who know i am when i mean it. But still not being able to make it happen for myself.

Made mistakes and learnt from them - but still being pulled down all the time for the same. not finding space and time to make it to the run way to fly.

Though the thought had often crossed me - that there is something wrong in the way i am thinking - i just have to believe it, i just have to do it - no amount of preparation, explaining others was anyway going to help. I have to do it myself. But like the salt in the food there was something missing. Now over years it is getting to a point of frustration and twitching between belief and disbelief in things hope and despair.

Till this morning i saw this video;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo0Cazxj_yc

being always excited about adventure and sports it was exciting and it just got me thinking- how come people can do it or even imagine that something like this is possible - Walking on water ??

just then i realized what i was doing to my own dreams, its not about the plans one makes, its not about figuring out how it works, its just Simple FLY

all the acts in this video were for possible (for me) because they just believed it can be done and i guess that is all I needed to know this morning.

To all those who i believe in and who have helped me believe in ME

'Eyes only'

Recently i was out again traveling and at an interesting country side. The most interesting of it was the mountains rising from flat lands forming plateau and into become part of the magnificent Western Ghats.

All mornings i went for a long walk, challenging myself on most of the available mornings. I enjoyed the smell of the wood the perfume of the earth, the bird cheer, at intervals disturbed by honking horns of the trucks. It was just nice being in that place, just sensing the place at it is. having a peep at the lives of the people in the village, seeing their morning routines with herds and water and ...

Till one day as i was crossing the gate, on to the road, the sky followed by the highlighted mountains caught my attention. Photography being one of passions, i went back to the room to get my cam. And sure the batteries had run down. I went back to change them with another set and they were uncharged too.

On my return i made sure that i keep one set to charge over nite and so did i. next day morning the sky was even nicer, more deeper and just the right amount of light when i started. completely excited i went with my camera looking forward to capturing all the sights i had seen over days. Already looking forward to changing the picture on my desktop. I was glad to start early and be able to capture the rising crescendo of light over those splendorous mountains.

I opened the cap of the lance, looked at this dry, dark long tree behind which a rising deep peach light glowed the sky followed by ruffled clouds and the mountain in their profile. I pushed my finger over the 'on' button and bang came the message 'batteries exhausted' :)

for a moment i felt dam! but just the next site took the negativity away and i remembered words of my good friend who once said, Some sites are for 'Eyes Only'

The precious ice

I love mornings, sinking into a big chair and having this big mug of coffee, the news playing in background and I doing my own thing, not too much of conversation ….Just the perfect morning for me.

What often irritates me is my pestering maid calling me for every other thing and for sure, they will never come up but expect me to go to them. I guess I have a habit of spoiling people. So like most odd days today morning she pestered me for something and I know it would not be too important and I continued ironing. I ignored the call the first time around, the second time and then I heard she saying ‘but if I keep it on the platform it will be all water water everywhere’. It drew my curiosity, as to what will ooze water, and what is she talking about.

Yes it was ice, some extra vessels of ice I had drawn out of deep fridge to wash, but what seemed unimportant to me, was so precious to her. The pestering brought back some memories of how life has changed and we just let it pass by.

Very early in life, my working mom had felt the need of fridge, we often had neighbors coming for ice if someone was ill in the house. We as children used to feel very important by sharing ‘our’ ice. I remember how it became quite a issue of fight in the house when people started asking for ice for cooling water in summer. But with more and most houses having fridge, over years I had lost its importance, it was just a thing like …………………..? Hey, can’t think of what, first I thought sugar, but no would not throw sugar, may be like water.

Interesting what a brick of ice could do to my morning, it took me to my childhood and my amazing memories with my sister
I feel she and I will remember this throwing of ice for a little too long then just looking at it an errand in the morning……….
Have a great day :)

Strange feeling in a strange country...

After a few things that happened in Gujarat, I no more feel that I know Ahmadabad – Gujarat, as I used to. It’s a place have grown up close to have had friends, have chilled out, spent my most boisterous days in. This is not the best blog I would have written, though it was something which needed expression for me, so just penning down an attempt of becoming a stranger in the city which has become strange to me.
Even as I write this blog – in a min bus a loud spoken, tobacco chewing idiot looks over my shoulder and I catch him reading over screen of my laptop. I give him a very ugly look at what he is doing, in a way enough to suggest that it is most unappreciated thing.
Yes so this is how Ahmadabad keeps annoying me these days. Any way with a lot of conviction, I try to become a stranger and rediscover the place to overcome my biases; this for all reasons has not stood the test of events, though my shot at it. When I landed the beginning of the week, had decided to drop all the unpleasant feelings I had about the place and give it a new try. Make my way through city as I would operate in any other city which was not known to me.
To begin with I have this very critiquing taxi driver dropping me to my destination from the airport, who was talking about the general attitude of the people and how annoyed he feels with the growing indiscipline ( in this case in traffic). He asks me more specifications on where I have to be dropped and I tell him about a petrol pump in the area which was landmark. Ahmadabad has had this, long time back, of having petrol pumps as land mark. He asks me which one and tells me that 3 more have cropped up in the area. Then we talk of times when the one I knew was the only one which was there in the area. He goes nostalgic sharing about the changes the city has gone through , further driving me nostalgic enough to the times I have spend in that area with a bunch of friends. Some pleasant memories flash back.
Later in the evening I join one of my extended family and we plan to have eggs for the evening. As I am from Pune, an egg based menu would need shopping not more than 5 minutes of distance. But, yes for sure I braced myself. As I with my relative spend more than 15 minutes on the bike; I am being told how he has identified this one egg shop in one of the corners. We go to this lazy old shop, and I order eggs. The assistant waits for the owner to ask him to give them to us and he also hands over a black plastic bag, so that it would not be identifiable what is that I have purchased. The next hunt is to buy some good bread. So I guess the city has grown in terms of size and the diversity of brands and now I just got to know that Ahmadabad has just been identified as the 3rd fastest growing city , but I guess it still does not have diversity and multi-cultural growth in its plans.
The city for sure has become very machoistic and women being assumed more dispensable, my confidence of traveling alone in the city which had shaken in between in late evenings is slowly growing. Some of the administrative aspects really take you by surprise; the infrastructure development is something which is really noticeable. But you scratch the surface and people tell you how the gap between the ‘have and have nots’ has been growing wider. I don’t know when for me this city will just be another place that does not matter or I will be able to drop my difference with it. But I guess my experiment as a visitor in the city seems to be helping, just that acting bit doesn’t come easily to me.
Signing out form Ahmadabad, till the next time.

Aaman ki asha...

Admits such a lot of noise on the Judgment on the peace of land in Ayodhya, that is all it is for me, there have been different reactions and it has been quite an effort to say away from this.

The pattern of these reactions have been quite interesting...
I realized since some time back that i have been receiving some of these chain mails about the different opinions and discussion related to judgment and people saying 'Finally' and expressing fear and raising a lot of emotions around it, it was uncanny though to see most of them were from meteors, and my immediate reaction was, once again they need a new hype this week to hook on to, almost the same way most of us hooked on to TV channels during the Bombay attack.

At home i have been constantly reminded by 'family' how big this judgment is, how we can not be ignorant, we have to be careful and it could be quite and thing and all. i was sleeping on this, till i received a call this after noon from my child's daycare, that they are closing down. And they believed that the kids better be 'safe' with their families. As i finish this blog i go to pic my kid up.

One of the most wired aspect i realized this morning of the judgment was assessing social feeling when the Mosque was built in the first place some 300+ years ago and i don't know how we could ever be able to do so and what is the need ...

ANYWAY ....

Amidst all this euphoria what touched me and built my confidence in community leaving and warmth was this little incident yesterday ...
I was at this store close to my house buying the cartridge of water filter, as i was settling the bill a man unknown to the shopkeeper, middle aged, just another person, climbed up in the shop and asked the owner- 'Kal Aaman ki asha hai na?'

The shopkeeper was confused about what he asked. i did hear the words clearly but was amused, i asked the shopkeeper if he knew him, he said no and then he looks back at this gentleman and asks- what did you say and both of us repeat in chorus 'Kal aaman ki asha hai na?'. He then realised, what it was in reference to and he did not miss a sec to respond - Definitely So

I nursed a dream to myself, hope there are many more like him moving around...

A thief, a Joker, a Friend

Some days back i was traveling to Bombay for work. Over the weekend had not been able to check mails so just browsed though them on my notebook, followed up with people i was to meet on cell. My co-passenger sitting right next to me looked like a curious nut. It seemed he was traveling alone and had no belongings was quite intrusive and wanted to have a look at most of the gadgets i used and how they worked.

The Bus Stopped halfway at he food joint, i was stomach crunching hungry, had to get down. Not sure about him i asked him if he was getting down. And he said you go ahead and i will go later. TING TRING, i though either he was out of his mind and was conversing as if we are together or had some fishy ideas in mind. As i went to one of the food joints to buy my breakfast, the stories of laptops been stolen flashed in my mind.

Worried enough, I rush packed my breakfast instead of savoring it over the open space admiring the mist covered mountains, i am back to the bus. I place my packed food on the seat and first thing, i check for the laptop, its all there. As i was sitting there i had already imagined him not to return to the seat, if he had got into the bus with a 'motive'.

After a while done with the breakfast the bus guys gave call and most return back to their seats. This curious old women siting in front of me request to wait for someone. Later i discover that the two people seating in front of me and my co-passenger are all traveling together.

Done with few extra naps and refreshed with coffee, i look forward to out journey through the mountains. One of the most beautiful times in Western Ghats. and then the conversation starts ... with where are you form , where are you going, ....

He tells me that this is his first time to Bombay, he looks like a 30ish man from outskirts of Pune villages, yet to be included in the corporation limit. To stop him from getting too personal we talk about the politics around extension of corporation boundaries. I still keep it short. I am with my hands folded due to the chill in the bus.

He keeps looking at my hand, making me wonder, slowly his curiosity makes him literally bend down to have a look at my wrist and i realize he is curious about my watch. He asks, is it real :).I ask him his reason for curiosity and he says the name of the make 'fastrack' keeps shifting. Quite a Joker i think, i explain him how it works and why it moves.

I am by now smiling to myself thinking that someone who i imagained as a thief, is actually just a curious joker with the child still alive in him. Till he surprises me again.

After inquiring about my purpose of visit he mentions that he is taking mother of his friend to Bomaby to a trust to request for financial cover of operation for her son. He explains me in his most innosent manner the disfunctioning of heart valve and how did his friend discover it. How he feels responsible in a way and what he has done to bring some relief in the stressed sitution. How he really wishes things work out in bombay. Till our conversation is interupted by a phone call.

It is someone from his village wanting to know his wareabouts. The caller does not believe that this fellow is on his way to bombay. Shy enough of what he want to say - he tell the caller- hey its expected in a FRIENDSHIP to do so much.

With a few more conversation we end the journey and i wish him the best, i thik what a soul, and this is my wish for him, hope his visit to bombay helped him and his friend.

I guess travelling by public transport has not yet lost all its charm, i look forward to my next journey....

In search of spirituality

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Don't know how to start. also the title seems so not me, like not on my website, not my image. :)

have been an Atheist most of my conscious life. Never found much meaning in Religion, caste. Very early in life or may be not too early by today's times, i guess should be around 12ish, got introduced to Marx and youth movements etc. Some how the rebel in me found a base, a reference, a logic, a reasoning. Yes! but too bad as everything else seemed so wrong that it took me closer and closer to Atheism. I now believe that there was a time in my life when i had become a Fanatic Atheist.

Though this had a parallel of cultural exploration, something i love, celebrate and cherish, Cultures of world. But from my life experiences it has been mostly the diversity that India has to offer. it has been a seamless journey. Unfortunately, not so really, but often it is so intertwined with religion that, often to define and understand culture it often becomes impossible to keep it separate from religion.

This love for culture and my need for celebration took me closer to religion. I kept myself away from it, as mostly i saw both caste and religion as sources of division and labeling of people and often came in way of relating with people as people.

As i journied to rational living, i could understand peoples' need for religion. Actually my interaction with Tribal communities and their evolution of totems and their deities with symbols from nature, made this exploration more interesting. In many tribal communities they often worship tiger, snake or any such thing or a stone which is depiction of an 'unknown' image and often they worship it to keep 'that' spirit happy and to soothe themselves that that spirit will not harm them in any which way. This experience made a major dent in the way i looked at religion and took away Fanaticism out of Atheism.

Since then the cultural exploration has had many more facets to it and the journey has been more beautiful. Quite content with the newer exploration. Till the ghost of uncertainty bites me. Many of whom i have been talking look at faith differently and i have sneak peeked into their experiences, though i guess never talked about it with all.

Though at my end these uncertainties have brought in a new need in my life. Need for peace, clam, stillness. So wanted some association for that calm, have been thinking, God, religion, NAh! not me. I might do it for a need but, would never be true to it in my heart i know, then why even do it. Then tried looking for something more secular, non glamorous or stylish and real. Just like me:). Though not much success at that, hack and hack all the cells of my brain till finally

Tan a tan, a bright idea took me to my home library and actually as i was looking for something bright and rebellious. Some reason to celebrate and guess what i got, wisdom along. What really has taken my fancy is to Journey with Nelson Mandela's Long walk to freedom.

In this new journey, i am choosing to explore his journey to freedom and my journey to peace. Though one of his statements which has stuck in my mind for now is ....Often towards the end the oppressor decides the means of engagement (Scary!).

The world of hackers

i understand the term 'Ethical hacking' and when i say i understand i men i am literate in terms of what it means but in a ways i really do not understand.

If you hack you hack, what is ethical about it. It reminds me of the dialogue in - enemy of the State - when Will Smith's wife says - who is going to monitor the monitors of monitors. It sounds like that to me.

My concern is how do i know who is hacking into my account, when is some one hacking into my account. What beats me completely is what keeps people engaged on to wanting to lap up over information and more information and more and it seems like no dearth of apatite for some.

I wonder what have the James Bond's and the Byomkesh Bakshi's and the new age DON's contributed to the need in us to investigate. Or is it some childhood dream that we are wanting to live.

How irritating it can be to realize that you have been hacked - always stumbling over mails and not realizing what people are talking. Till you realize there are couple of mails which looked marked read actually you have not gone through. It almost is like two users using one account and creating mess for themselves and others. So one is the entire issue of going back and forth, back and forth trying to make sense of what you missed and what you did not.

Secondly to create an encyclopedia of passwords. Every time i realize there is something funny with my mail i change the password and for a while then it is all fine. But now guys i have done it almost at an average of once a month and i have run short of all the references to create a password for myself.

Lost between the Ethics and Hacking i stand in this World wide Web -

to all the http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fictional_private_investigators

Dew drops lost in rain

It has been amazing, wonderful or mostly can't express the way i feel as my bundle of joy grows up.

It has been lovely seeing him grow and take his first baby steps towards taking charge of himself and being comfortable with it. Also its marvelous to experience the kind of freedom and need for care he continuously expresses and does not have any anxiety or apprehension about the switch between the two. I hope i could have that him in me it's just amazing to see him do so.

Some lovely dew drops i felt like capturing before they all get washed in the rain to come. Cause each one of them was special and that moment, as someone said will always be with me, nothing can capture that moment...

Some time back had gone to pick him up when his friend for the first time wanted a private moment between them and i was asked to stay out, even now writing about it brings smile - ear to ear - for me it was also a moment of joy when someone so special to me was now in the journey of become special to others

The other day he had a pool party on the last day of Summer camp. I packed his clothes for the party for after the pool session. In the evening a very excited he hugs me and tells me all about the party, in all his blabber about the party what he keeps repeating is - she said i look like a man - like shahrukh khan. For once i found shahrukh so amazing :)

These days he has also got into writing letter to his friend, still grapling with learning words, sometimes he gets upset on his dependency on us and wants to express and weave his own words in the letter to express his wishes and fondness to the friend. Its always cherishing to see him share his experience of how the letter was received by his friend. The other day he received a reply back and he kept asking me to read it over and over again, love him for his expression of affection and the joy ti bring to him just around that feeling. It doesn't matter to him if he is receiving it or giving.

This mothers day i was lucky, he got a idea of gifting me something from somewhere. It kept knowing him till he could finally make up his mind to make a card for me and gift it to me. Its a first gift from him to me of a different kinds and boy you make me feel the world of myself. Hey guys am i getting carried away...

The other day after his father, he decided to shave his hair off. He kept telling me about it, pestering me, i was not too sure if he really wanted it. A kid who otherwise was scared of Zero machine even running on part of his head will he want something like that all over his head. I kept ignoring his idea till the day we really had to go for a haircut. I asked him again if he was ready for it and what surprised me was his determination. He has been sporting a lovely bald since that day, carrying himself like no one can and enjoying every bit of loosing the volume of hair.

The list is long, his choice of colors he would like to ware, to the decision of what he would like to do with his free time and much more. I just want to thank him for letting me be part of these experiences of his

LOVE HIM

ADDING MORE PERLS

he is slowly exploring his need for loving, caring and showing affection. Lucky me - i am the immediate person he experiments with. He loves to say nice things these days in appreciation. He is slowly recognizing that there can be 'many' others in my life other then him and is slowly being comfortable with it. He is OK with sharing about his comfort and discomfort with it.

The other day he asked me - what jealousy was all about - i was trying to help him understand through examples. But what struck him the most is his own experience of how he feels when i play with other children, what was most amazing for me was his comfort with his jealousy

Recently he was so pleased to be served warm meal as soon as we reached home, that in reciprocation with little help he insisted and made me sit and served me warm meal, it amazes me to see how he is building brick by brick. What is most interesting is these are not stray incidents... they happen all the time :)

Fears couched in Boundries

Something froze me ................i think i know what

Any way, what has happened is i think too often, and do little. I guess just need to reverse the order. Just live, just say , love, just express, and tell myself , you can never be ready for everything.

Some days before i was going through a article on Kashmir. Just have been back from there this April. Made some acquaintances, which are special. I would not call them my friends but you know how people in hills are they are some times even special then some 'friends'.

I was completely aware that it was an assignment a limited relationship and that is where it should end. But for a bright, young, chirpy, full of hopes and comfortable with her biases, the lady teacher in her prime- i, and a very few people like me she meets, was the hope to her journey outside. That was her need of engagement with me, i was aware of this would be very seductive to me.

Now after reading the article this need in me to be connected to their place found a medium through her. Also her village was very special to the work i did and to me. Now the clock started ticking should i call, should i not , can i at least text, should i just delete the number, is it crossing the professional boundary. Will different agencies be offended if they found out. will i be creating false hopes etc ........

Finally the thinking took so long, that it was late evening and for Kashmiri nights it would have been really late. So decided to send her a text finally, just remembering types. The thread of to call not to call was still in the mind more towards being convinced, let me call...

later thinking .............i realized that the hesitance was coming from somewhere else, what if the warmth i am calling with does not receive response in form of similar warmth, was the fear really. The fear was of hurt if some one says - oh! it was difficult to remember u. Or just a cold response. Will my image of this beautiful association distort, often a fear in taking any next steps in a relationship. The question is how much do i trust myself then, how much do i trust the relationships i build, how much do i trust others when i say i do. What is this need of heart always to be handled in a blanket of wool. Do i then not believe in the fiber of realtionship built and that it can take strength of what's to come to it.

I finally then couched in my fears kept thinking this next morning, that after this work i will call her,after that i will call her and all these clouds of fears just shattered with my phone busing, a warm voice longing to talk to me, with no expectations.

And i said to my self what a .................(it might mean different expression to different people, so just leaving it there)

My nail, my ugly duckling

For some time have been look for more and more time to write a blog. For me writing is therapeutic. Finally confronted myself, no need to prove inelegance all the time just be.....cause that is rare. and So...

About a month back now i got hit by a car door and my left thumb badly got ruptured with the nail being affected mostly. The thumb was swollen thrice its size and tingly for number of days. Till my partner lovingly in the dead of the night took me the the hospital. Another friend commissioned a plastic surgeon who was like a power operated microscope for reading a book, to the wound. Forced to drug myself with antibiotic the wound dried too soon in a healthy body. And i escaped completing the course of antibiotic as always.

Hoping that the nail does not fall off and i do not have to look at the ugly flesh under the nail and stuff like that, i keep nurturing the existing nail, strengthening it with coat of nail paint, saving it form impact and all.

Guess nature has written laws long back for me to change or challenge. Some time when i was at one of the workshop a small little nail started emerging form beneath the existing nail. Too eager to see it progress of growth i scraped the top nail and have been doing so till date. What i see is nothing good. Its a little deformed and irregularly shaped nail with a bend in between and things. Stopped exploring it further as what i saw did not excite me.

Till today morning i though of it as an ugly duckling, the tender nail which soon will grow into its best to shine upon my lovely long finger, my little ugly duckling.

Life within

Every new learning brings along a feeling of being energized and a feeling of growth and its amazing to feel good for yourself with a bit of progress you achieve every time.

I have been for some time now being keenly interested in people growing around me. Peoples growth in their beliefs, evolving in their thinking patterns, having a sense of way ahead in life in context of the way they look at their life and easing themselves expressing close held worries, fears, insecurities, inadequacies and sometimes its surprising that many of us also hold back joys. Sounds strange, strange it is.

For some time now I have realised, that I need interactions outside my immediate circle of reference to experience diversity to swim out of my own pond and experience the harshness of the sea and in the process both bring in new energies to my own circle of reference and a sense of realisation and growth for self. When I say so I do not take my own pond for granted but I guess I would want my pond to have routs and ways to navigate away and back.

With people another source for immense inspiration for me has been the nature and the out door. Might sound a bit old school but I feel I have always learnt a lot in life form nature and that space is close to my heart and will always be.

After a long long time (years don’t matter just that it seems really long is good enough) an amazing amalgamation of both my experiences and process of growth with people and the nature amalgamated for me. For me it was both very curious and an anxious moment. Cause though I had looked at both the facets closely in my own life, was a bit nervous about its culmination.

But after the experience something amazing happened. It brought back my old self the positivity back to me. It took me back to my sense of people being people with out any color or shade. Also experiences of others around me got me in touch with how this has been so integral part of me and my being and my growth as person. It feels like taking a step ahead.

Metaphorically the nature out their also welcomes you without conditions and smiles back to say hey! no rules will apply. May be I can go on and on this. But what really has come to me is the sense of comfort with uncertainty and preparedness to take up things with a need of design without being fanatic about it.

Like nature invited me and everyone around to be spontaneous and took care without making much noise. Also This experience was an amazing melody of both high and low notes with just experiences with self and the feeling of togetherness, the sense of achievement and a feeling of breaking up. As I write this I feel mostly it might sound like cliché but what really happened is I Experienced life and got in touch with Life within me.

NUDE CLOTHES AND SEXUALITY

Today on CNNIBN in one of their surveys about women and … I really don’t know what the focus was as it was neither seemed leadership nor violence as the focus.

Though what caught my attention in the burred repetition of debate, was the use of phase women wearing ‘nude clothes’ by the ex-member of National commission of women (hey! We are so special we have a commission for ourselves), my immediate reaction was alright!

Till date the debate was women wearing or not wearing clothes, or how much was the talk of the town and it made some sense not as a debate but at least it builds up logic. But what does it mean by nude clothes, either the person has to be nude or wearing clothes or if the person is wearing clothes she/he can not be nude, simple logic right!

Wrong! The objection is really to clothes being metaphor of being expression of women’s sexuality. Does that mean that women who do not let their skin show have no sexuality? All those who ask such questions and are bothered about issues so narrow I feel are too unsecure of change, expressions an need help.

For me sexuality goes beyond what I wear, the texture of the cotton I wear, the print on the cloth and the color of the cloth, the border of the cloth, the fragrance of the drape. It is for me so beautiful that the even the fragrance of my hair would exhumes ones sexuality, the pen I use the color of my pen the stationary I chose, the wall paper of my laptop all is extension and expression of my sexual being.

The problem is looking at sexuality only form the glass of lust and not beauty, expression, space, freedom and much more.

I am not a sexist and nor a feminist but I would like to believe that I am very sexually aware of myself and would be happy to have space for expression.

Life is beautiful

Never though, living life can be quite a thing. Very often an expression like -What a life! Quite a life! Such a life! Spurts up in our expressions, but right now I feel I am in the most amazing phase of my life.

To begin with I am feeling good that after a long time I am back to feeling self; a feeling of ‘right now’ is the best time in my life. Kind of had started missing that feeling for a while now, it feels like back in driver’s seat in your own life.

What is amazing though is a big difference that I experience in the way I looked at life. I realise I was in many ways kind of passing by in my life journey without experiencing life, like passing though a zone with just having a look around and being amused not experiencing it, not interacting with it. Like walking through this tunnel of aquarium and not being in the sea.

It’s kind of quite over whelming too much to take and still leave on. But in all this what is amazing is really experiencing each challenge to self and to others around, experiencing and not be an on looker. Play a role when needed and that to always aware of uncertainty of weather need to do so or not, or would it be over stepping or required.

A lot of time it is such an amazing life expressing to keep self assessing but also not to get driven and become ‘Zombi’ in this analytical world. Also just letting oneself go. Ya! I know sounds like too much; I guess that is my reason of writing this blog. This discovery of life I owe to many who accompanied and will always be their in my life journey not as long as I want bust as long as they choose.

I guess this is one reality to which I have embraced its amazing, I have realised I need to be aware and conscious as I act but also -just be and even after facing all these challenges and expressing my self all I can only choose and do what I decide to and be comfortable with people being people and react as they want.

It’s a creative network of overlapping spaces like the vines of the creeper overlap as they grow; all exist and grow on, take their own spaces and create and give spaces.

Indeed life is beautiful

I dedicate this bog to my father, my Baba.

Energies are like ‘Snow Globe’

Hey guys don’t be surprised I also did not know its called show globe, But yes I am talking about the Christmas toy, which when you shake up the snow flake seems to keep falling all the time.

Some time back I was talking to some one and I used the phrase ‘draw energies’ from … Something about it did not give me a very good feeling. The word drawing sounded like extraction.

I wanted to look back at my own life experiences, where in I am a source of initiating the energy circuit flow. One, for sure I feel this would necessarily not be an expression I would want others to use for me. But more precisely I was at ease with a feeling that it’s not a draining process for me it also energises me. But the expectation of always being the source of energy can for sure be draining.

At another point as I was in a process of looking at my own energies and the energies around when the metaphor of ‘Snow Globe’ struck me. It a sealed space, where in there is nothing added or reduced, Just like the energies of the world around. (Don’t be dreamy! I am not sure if I men cosmic, I am more grounded) I mean energies among us you and I.

Its such a unconscious process where in a casual talk, a chat with a friend completely meaningless, a Childs sharing of his/ her fun and exploration, a look, a touch, anything around you has potentials of giving energies like the flowing water in the Globe with two colors when you shake, it just livens up the globe and each module of it then goes back.

Yes so if you exhume (is it a correct usage, any way) energy organically it will come back to you form the same person or some where else but it’s always in motion moving. When it does not reach back you feel a temporary moment of depletion and low on energy, till it reaches again.

Sometimes you are in a still snow globe where you do not feel any motion or movement, but I guess the best part of the Real show globe in which we are, are like modules floating in water with permeable skins and not ‘sealed’ so if you do not get energies from the snow globe you are in you have an opportunity of relating to another snow globe.

Hmmmmm! That makes me think is the world around us which we think is ‘our’ world a snow globe or we as individuals are then a Snow globe in ourselves.

……………………

Bombay a Story

After a very long time a couple of days back i took my chance of being a traveler with no specific purpose or objective into a place not much know or familiar. Though i have always preferred the greens and the wilderness as my thing to explore this time i chose a completely different destination.

A city bursting with people, every one in his or her own mind involved in a world in a way very personal to all. Sill lot and secluded form most things happening around. I had a 10 MPS 15X lance in my cam but just could not click picks felt like would intrude on to some one. It was amazing being in different locations form Malad to south Bombay to the campus of one of the best know colleges to government building and many more, though the most interesting of all i found were the streets of Bombay. It was a life and experience in itself.

It was such an amazing thing to see that the city pushes you to the brink and situation where in you are just a nut and bolt of the metros machine but that in a way also makes or helps people explore life where ever they are. A lot of our Indian picks have used statements like 'there is a story behind every face...'

For once i was not over whelmed by the city, nothing much bothered me i was much at peace enjoying my experience as a traveler. It for me was a experience of being lost but also relating with people on impulse.

One experience though i would put at as top of these couple of days experience was a a Irani tea stall. I was served by a a very interesting youth, who dosen't seem to ask questions about the realities he is in, dosen't complain and was so much in sink with himself and his realities, extending his SELF to customers reaching out without any surety 'how the other will react to me' this was something remarkable and made me think and explore what in him makes him go so easy on/in life. Ya! there might be deeper stories behind him, but here at work in this place he know its a different life space and looking at him a thought struck me and i feel that is my learning form this life experience and this experience with Bombay - Here you have to FEEL A WORLD ABOUT YOUR SELF TO BE IN THIS WORLD. And i guess that is what i take form this trip of mine.

Thanks to him :)