Fears couched in Boundries

Something froze me ................i think i know what

Any way, what has happened is i think too often, and do little. I guess just need to reverse the order. Just live, just say , love, just express, and tell myself , you can never be ready for everything.

Some days before i was going through a article on Kashmir. Just have been back from there this April. Made some acquaintances, which are special. I would not call them my friends but you know how people in hills are they are some times even special then some 'friends'.

I was completely aware that it was an assignment a limited relationship and that is where it should end. But for a bright, young, chirpy, full of hopes and comfortable with her biases, the lady teacher in her prime- i, and a very few people like me she meets, was the hope to her journey outside. That was her need of engagement with me, i was aware of this would be very seductive to me.

Now after reading the article this need in me to be connected to their place found a medium through her. Also her village was very special to the work i did and to me. Now the clock started ticking should i call, should i not , can i at least text, should i just delete the number, is it crossing the professional boundary. Will different agencies be offended if they found out. will i be creating false hopes etc ........

Finally the thinking took so long, that it was late evening and for Kashmiri nights it would have been really late. So decided to send her a text finally, just remembering types. The thread of to call not to call was still in the mind more towards being convinced, let me call...

later thinking .............i realized that the hesitance was coming from somewhere else, what if the warmth i am calling with does not receive response in form of similar warmth, was the fear really. The fear was of hurt if some one says - oh! it was difficult to remember u. Or just a cold response. Will my image of this beautiful association distort, often a fear in taking any next steps in a relationship. The question is how much do i trust myself then, how much do i trust the relationships i build, how much do i trust others when i say i do. What is this need of heart always to be handled in a blanket of wool. Do i then not believe in the fiber of realtionship built and that it can take strength of what's to come to it.

I finally then couched in my fears kept thinking this next morning, that after this work i will call her,after that i will call her and all these clouds of fears just shattered with my phone busing, a warm voice longing to talk to me, with no expectations.

And i said to my self what a .................(it might mean different expression to different people, so just leaving it there)

My nail, my ugly duckling

For some time have been look for more and more time to write a blog. For me writing is therapeutic. Finally confronted myself, no need to prove inelegance all the time just be.....cause that is rare. and So...

About a month back now i got hit by a car door and my left thumb badly got ruptured with the nail being affected mostly. The thumb was swollen thrice its size and tingly for number of days. Till my partner lovingly in the dead of the night took me the the hospital. Another friend commissioned a plastic surgeon who was like a power operated microscope for reading a book, to the wound. Forced to drug myself with antibiotic the wound dried too soon in a healthy body. And i escaped completing the course of antibiotic as always.

Hoping that the nail does not fall off and i do not have to look at the ugly flesh under the nail and stuff like that, i keep nurturing the existing nail, strengthening it with coat of nail paint, saving it form impact and all.

Guess nature has written laws long back for me to change or challenge. Some time when i was at one of the workshop a small little nail started emerging form beneath the existing nail. Too eager to see it progress of growth i scraped the top nail and have been doing so till date. What i see is nothing good. Its a little deformed and irregularly shaped nail with a bend in between and things. Stopped exploring it further as what i saw did not excite me.

Till today morning i though of it as an ugly duckling, the tender nail which soon will grow into its best to shine upon my lovely long finger, my little ugly duckling.