After a few things that happened in Gujarat, I no more feel that I know Ahmadabad – Gujarat, as I used to. It’s a place have grown up close to have had friends, have chilled out, spent my most boisterous days in. This is not the best blog I would have written, though it was something which needed expression for me, so just penning down an attempt of becoming a stranger in the city which has become strange to me.
Even as I write this blog – in a min bus a loud spoken, tobacco chewing idiot looks over my shoulder and I catch him reading over screen of my laptop. I give him a very ugly look at what he is doing, in a way enough to suggest that it is most unappreciated thing.
Yes so this is how Ahmadabad keeps annoying me these days. Any way with a lot of conviction, I try to become a stranger and rediscover the place to overcome my biases; this for all reasons has not stood the test of events, though my shot at it. When I landed the beginning of the week, had decided to drop all the unpleasant feelings I had about the place and give it a new try. Make my way through city as I would operate in any other city which was not known to me.
To begin with I have this very critiquing taxi driver dropping me to my destination from the airport, who was talking about the general attitude of the people and how annoyed he feels with the growing indiscipline ( in this case in traffic). He asks me more specifications on where I have to be dropped and I tell him about a petrol pump in the area which was landmark. Ahmadabad has had this, long time back, of having petrol pumps as land mark. He asks me which one and tells me that 3 more have cropped up in the area. Then we talk of times when the one I knew was the only one which was there in the area. He goes nostalgic sharing about the changes the city has gone through , further driving me nostalgic enough to the times I have spend in that area with a bunch of friends. Some pleasant memories flash back.
Later in the evening I join one of my extended family and we plan to have eggs for the evening. As I am from Pune, an egg based menu would need shopping not more than 5 minutes of distance. But, yes for sure I braced myself. As I with my relative spend more than 15 minutes on the bike; I am being told how he has identified this one egg shop in one of the corners. We go to this lazy old shop, and I order eggs. The assistant waits for the owner to ask him to give them to us and he also hands over a black plastic bag, so that it would not be identifiable what is that I have purchased. The next hunt is to buy some good bread. So I guess the city has grown in terms of size and the diversity of brands and now I just got to know that Ahmadabad has just been identified as the 3rd fastest growing city , but I guess it still does not have diversity and multi-cultural growth in its plans.
The city for sure has become very machoistic and women being assumed more dispensable, my confidence of traveling alone in the city which had shaken in between in late evenings is slowly growing. Some of the administrative aspects really take you by surprise; the infrastructure development is something which is really noticeable. But you scratch the surface and people tell you how the gap between the ‘have and have nots’ has been growing wider. I don’t know when for me this city will just be another place that does not matter or I will be able to drop my difference with it. But I guess my experiment as a visitor in the city seems to be helping, just that acting bit doesn’t come easily to me.
Signing out form Ahmadabad, till the next time.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Aaman ki asha...
Admits such a lot of noise on the Judgment on the peace of land in Ayodhya, that is all it is for me, there have been different reactions and it has been quite an effort to say away from this.
The pattern of these reactions have been quite interesting...
I realized since some time back that i have been receiving some of these chain mails about the different opinions and discussion related to judgment and people saying 'Finally' and expressing fear and raising a lot of emotions around it, it was uncanny though to see most of them were from meteors, and my immediate reaction was, once again they need a new hype this week to hook on to, almost the same way most of us hooked on to TV channels during the Bombay attack.
At home i have been constantly reminded by 'family' how big this judgment is, how we can not be ignorant, we have to be careful and it could be quite and thing and all. i was sleeping on this, till i received a call this after noon from my child's daycare, that they are closing down. And they believed that the kids better be 'safe' with their families. As i finish this blog i go to pic my kid up.
One of the most wired aspect i realized this morning of the judgment was assessing social feeling when the Mosque was built in the first place some 300+ years ago and i don't know how we could ever be able to do so and what is the need ...
ANYWAY ....
Amidst all this euphoria what touched me and built my confidence in community leaving and warmth was this little incident yesterday ...
I was at this store close to my house buying the cartridge of water filter, as i was settling the bill a man unknown to the shopkeeper, middle aged, just another person, climbed up in the shop and asked the owner- 'Kal Aaman ki asha hai na?'
The shopkeeper was confused about what he asked. i did hear the words clearly but was amused, i asked the shopkeeper if he knew him, he said no and then he looks back at this gentleman and asks- what did you say and both of us repeat in chorus 'Kal aaman ki asha hai na?'. He then realised, what it was in reference to and he did not miss a sec to respond - Definitely So
I nursed a dream to myself, hope there are many more like him moving around...
The pattern of these reactions have been quite interesting...
I realized since some time back that i have been receiving some of these chain mails about the different opinions and discussion related to judgment and people saying 'Finally' and expressing fear and raising a lot of emotions around it, it was uncanny though to see most of them were from meteors, and my immediate reaction was, once again they need a new hype this week to hook on to, almost the same way most of us hooked on to TV channels during the Bombay attack.
At home i have been constantly reminded by 'family' how big this judgment is, how we can not be ignorant, we have to be careful and it could be quite and thing and all. i was sleeping on this, till i received a call this after noon from my child's daycare, that they are closing down. And they believed that the kids better be 'safe' with their families. As i finish this blog i go to pic my kid up.
One of the most wired aspect i realized this morning of the judgment was assessing social feeling when the Mosque was built in the first place some 300+ years ago and i don't know how we could ever be able to do so and what is the need ...
ANYWAY ....
Amidst all this euphoria what touched me and built my confidence in community leaving and warmth was this little incident yesterday ...
I was at this store close to my house buying the cartridge of water filter, as i was settling the bill a man unknown to the shopkeeper, middle aged, just another person, climbed up in the shop and asked the owner- 'Kal Aaman ki asha hai na?'
The shopkeeper was confused about what he asked. i did hear the words clearly but was amused, i asked the shopkeeper if he knew him, he said no and then he looks back at this gentleman and asks- what did you say and both of us repeat in chorus 'Kal aaman ki asha hai na?'. He then realised, what it was in reference to and he did not miss a sec to respond - Definitely So
I nursed a dream to myself, hope there are many more like him moving around...
Saturday, July 10, 2010
A thief, a Joker, a Friend
Some days back i was traveling to Bombay for work. Over the weekend had not been able to check mails so just browsed though them on my notebook, followed up with people i was to meet on cell. My co-passenger sitting right next to me looked like a curious nut. It seemed he was traveling alone and had no belongings was quite intrusive and wanted to have a look at most of the gadgets i used and how they worked.
The Bus Stopped halfway at he food joint, i was stomach crunching hungry, had to get down. Not sure about him i asked him if he was getting down. And he said you go ahead and i will go later. TING TRING, i though either he was out of his mind and was conversing as if we are together or had some fishy ideas in mind. As i went to one of the food joints to buy my breakfast, the stories of laptops been stolen flashed in my mind.
Worried enough, I rush packed my breakfast instead of savoring it over the open space admiring the mist covered mountains, i am back to the bus. I place my packed food on the seat and first thing, i check for the laptop, its all there. As i was sitting there i had already imagined him not to return to the seat, if he had got into the bus with a 'motive'.
After a while done with the breakfast the bus guys gave call and most return back to their seats. This curious old women siting in front of me request to wait for someone. Later i discover that the two people seating in front of me and my co-passenger are all traveling together.
Done with few extra naps and refreshed with coffee, i look forward to out journey through the mountains. One of the most beautiful times in Western Ghats. and then the conversation starts ... with where are you form , where are you going, ....
He tells me that this is his first time to Bombay, he looks like a 30ish man from outskirts of Pune villages, yet to be included in the corporation limit. To stop him from getting too personal we talk about the politics around extension of corporation boundaries. I still keep it short. I am with my hands folded due to the chill in the bus.
He keeps looking at my hand, making me wonder, slowly his curiosity makes him literally bend down to have a look at my wrist and i realize he is curious about my watch. He asks, is it real :).I ask him his reason for curiosity and he says the name of the make 'fastrack' keeps shifting. Quite a Joker i think, i explain him how it works and why it moves.
I am by now smiling to myself thinking that someone who i imagained as a thief, is actually just a curious joker with the child still alive in him. Till he surprises me again.
After inquiring about my purpose of visit he mentions that he is taking mother of his friend to Bomaby to a trust to request for financial cover of operation for her son. He explains me in his most innosent manner the disfunctioning of heart valve and how did his friend discover it. How he feels responsible in a way and what he has done to bring some relief in the stressed sitution. How he really wishes things work out in bombay. Till our conversation is interupted by a phone call.
It is someone from his village wanting to know his wareabouts. The caller does not believe that this fellow is on his way to bombay. Shy enough of what he want to say - he tell the caller- hey its expected in a FRIENDSHIP to do so much.
With a few more conversation we end the journey and i wish him the best, i thik what a soul, and this is my wish for him, hope his visit to bombay helped him and his friend.
I guess travelling by public transport has not yet lost all its charm, i look forward to my next journey....
The Bus Stopped halfway at he food joint, i was stomach crunching hungry, had to get down. Not sure about him i asked him if he was getting down. And he said you go ahead and i will go later. TING TRING, i though either he was out of his mind and was conversing as if we are together or had some fishy ideas in mind. As i went to one of the food joints to buy my breakfast, the stories of laptops been stolen flashed in my mind.
Worried enough, I rush packed my breakfast instead of savoring it over the open space admiring the mist covered mountains, i am back to the bus. I place my packed food on the seat and first thing, i check for the laptop, its all there. As i was sitting there i had already imagined him not to return to the seat, if he had got into the bus with a 'motive'.
After a while done with the breakfast the bus guys gave call and most return back to their seats. This curious old women siting in front of me request to wait for someone. Later i discover that the two people seating in front of me and my co-passenger are all traveling together.
Done with few extra naps and refreshed with coffee, i look forward to out journey through the mountains. One of the most beautiful times in Western Ghats. and then the conversation starts ... with where are you form , where are you going, ....
He tells me that this is his first time to Bombay, he looks like a 30ish man from outskirts of Pune villages, yet to be included in the corporation limit. To stop him from getting too personal we talk about the politics around extension of corporation boundaries. I still keep it short. I am with my hands folded due to the chill in the bus.
He keeps looking at my hand, making me wonder, slowly his curiosity makes him literally bend down to have a look at my wrist and i realize he is curious about my watch. He asks, is it real :).I ask him his reason for curiosity and he says the name of the make 'fastrack' keeps shifting. Quite a Joker i think, i explain him how it works and why it moves.
I am by now smiling to myself thinking that someone who i imagained as a thief, is actually just a curious joker with the child still alive in him. Till he surprises me again.
After inquiring about my purpose of visit he mentions that he is taking mother of his friend to Bomaby to a trust to request for financial cover of operation for her son. He explains me in his most innosent manner the disfunctioning of heart valve and how did his friend discover it. How he feels responsible in a way and what he has done to bring some relief in the stressed sitution. How he really wishes things work out in bombay. Till our conversation is interupted by a phone call.
It is someone from his village wanting to know his wareabouts. The caller does not believe that this fellow is on his way to bombay. Shy enough of what he want to say - he tell the caller- hey its expected in a FRIENDSHIP to do so much.
With a few more conversation we end the journey and i wish him the best, i thik what a soul, and this is my wish for him, hope his visit to bombay helped him and his friend.
I guess travelling by public transport has not yet lost all its charm, i look forward to my next journey....
Thursday, July 8, 2010
In search of spirituality
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Don't know how to start. also the title seems so not me, like not on my website, not my image. :)
have been an Atheist most of my conscious life. Never found much meaning in Religion, caste. Very early in life or may be not too early by today's times, i guess should be around 12ish, got introduced to Marx and youth movements etc. Some how the rebel in me found a base, a reference, a logic, a reasoning. Yes! but too bad as everything else seemed so wrong that it took me closer and closer to Atheism. I now believe that there was a time in my life when i had become a Fanatic Atheist.
Though this had a parallel of cultural exploration, something i love, celebrate and cherish, Cultures of world. But from my life experiences it has been mostly the diversity that India has to offer. it has been a seamless journey. Unfortunately, not so really, but often it is so intertwined with religion that, often to define and understand culture it often becomes impossible to keep it separate from religion.
This love for culture and my need for celebration took me closer to religion. I kept myself away from it, as mostly i saw both caste and religion as sources of division and labeling of people and often came in way of relating with people as people.
As i journied to rational living, i could understand peoples' need for religion. Actually my interaction with Tribal communities and their evolution of totems and their deities with symbols from nature, made this exploration more interesting. In many tribal communities they often worship tiger, snake or any such thing or a stone which is depiction of an 'unknown' image and often they worship it to keep 'that' spirit happy and to soothe themselves that that spirit will not harm them in any which way. This experience made a major dent in the way i looked at religion and took away Fanaticism out of Atheism.
Since then the cultural exploration has had many more facets to it and the journey has been more beautiful. Quite content with the newer exploration. Till the ghost of uncertainty bites me. Many of whom i have been talking look at faith differently and i have sneak peeked into their experiences, though i guess never talked about it with all.
Though at my end these uncertainties have brought in a new need in my life. Need for peace, clam, stillness. So wanted some association for that calm, have been thinking, God, religion, NAh! not me. I might do it for a need but, would never be true to it in my heart i know, then why even do it. Then tried looking for something more secular, non glamorous or stylish and real. Just like me:). Though not much success at that, hack and hack all the cells of my brain till finally
Tan a tan, a bright idea took me to my home library and actually as i was looking for something bright and rebellious. Some reason to celebrate and guess what i got, wisdom along. What really has taken my fancy is to Journey with Nelson Mandela's Long walk to freedom.
In this new journey, i am choosing to explore his journey to freedom and my journey to peace. Though one of his statements which has stuck in my mind for now is ....Often towards the end the oppressor decides the means of engagement (Scary!).
Don't know how to start. also the title seems so not me, like not on my website, not my image. :)
have been an Atheist most of my conscious life. Never found much meaning in Religion, caste. Very early in life or may be not too early by today's times, i guess should be around 12ish, got introduced to Marx and youth movements etc. Some how the rebel in me found a base, a reference, a logic, a reasoning. Yes! but too bad as everything else seemed so wrong that it took me closer and closer to Atheism. I now believe that there was a time in my life when i had become a Fanatic Atheist.
Though this had a parallel of cultural exploration, something i love, celebrate and cherish, Cultures of world. But from my life experiences it has been mostly the diversity that India has to offer. it has been a seamless journey. Unfortunately, not so really, but often it is so intertwined with religion that, often to define and understand culture it often becomes impossible to keep it separate from religion.
This love for culture and my need for celebration took me closer to religion. I kept myself away from it, as mostly i saw both caste and religion as sources of division and labeling of people and often came in way of relating with people as people.
As i journied to rational living, i could understand peoples' need for religion. Actually my interaction with Tribal communities and their evolution of totems and their deities with symbols from nature, made this exploration more interesting. In many tribal communities they often worship tiger, snake or any such thing or a stone which is depiction of an 'unknown' image and often they worship it to keep 'that' spirit happy and to soothe themselves that that spirit will not harm them in any which way. This experience made a major dent in the way i looked at religion and took away Fanaticism out of Atheism.
Since then the cultural exploration has had many more facets to it and the journey has been more beautiful. Quite content with the newer exploration. Till the ghost of uncertainty bites me. Many of whom i have been talking look at faith differently and i have sneak peeked into their experiences, though i guess never talked about it with all.
Though at my end these uncertainties have brought in a new need in my life. Need for peace, clam, stillness. So wanted some association for that calm, have been thinking, God, religion, NAh! not me. I might do it for a need but, would never be true to it in my heart i know, then why even do it. Then tried looking for something more secular, non glamorous or stylish and real. Just like me:). Though not much success at that, hack and hack all the cells of my brain till finally
Tan a tan, a bright idea took me to my home library and actually as i was looking for something bright and rebellious. Some reason to celebrate and guess what i got, wisdom along. What really has taken my fancy is to Journey with Nelson Mandela's Long walk to freedom.
In this new journey, i am choosing to explore his journey to freedom and my journey to peace. Though one of his statements which has stuck in my mind for now is ....Often towards the end the oppressor decides the means of engagement (Scary!).
Monday, June 28, 2010
The world of hackers
i understand the term 'Ethical hacking' and when i say i understand i men i am literate in terms of what it means but in a ways i really do not understand.
If you hack you hack, what is ethical about it. It reminds me of the dialogue in - enemy of the State - when Will Smith's wife says - who is going to monitor the monitors of monitors. It sounds like that to me.
My concern is how do i know who is hacking into my account, when is some one hacking into my account. What beats me completely is what keeps people engaged on to wanting to lap up over information and more information and more and it seems like no dearth of apatite for some.
I wonder what have the James Bond's and the Byomkesh Bakshi's and the new age DON's contributed to the need in us to investigate. Or is it some childhood dream that we are wanting to live.
How irritating it can be to realize that you have been hacked - always stumbling over mails and not realizing what people are talking. Till you realize there are couple of mails which looked marked read actually you have not gone through. It almost is like two users using one account and creating mess for themselves and others. So one is the entire issue of going back and forth, back and forth trying to make sense of what you missed and what you did not.
Secondly to create an encyclopedia of passwords. Every time i realize there is something funny with my mail i change the password and for a while then it is all fine. But now guys i have done it almost at an average of once a month and i have run short of all the references to create a password for myself.
Lost between the Ethics and Hacking i stand in this World wide Web -
to all the http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fictional_private_investigators
If you hack you hack, what is ethical about it. It reminds me of the dialogue in - enemy of the State - when Will Smith's wife says - who is going to monitor the monitors of monitors. It sounds like that to me.
My concern is how do i know who is hacking into my account, when is some one hacking into my account. What beats me completely is what keeps people engaged on to wanting to lap up over information and more information and more and it seems like no dearth of apatite for some.
I wonder what have the James Bond's and the Byomkesh Bakshi's and the new age DON's contributed to the need in us to investigate. Or is it some childhood dream that we are wanting to live.
How irritating it can be to realize that you have been hacked - always stumbling over mails and not realizing what people are talking. Till you realize there are couple of mails which looked marked read actually you have not gone through. It almost is like two users using one account and creating mess for themselves and others. So one is the entire issue of going back and forth, back and forth trying to make sense of what you missed and what you did not.
Secondly to create an encyclopedia of passwords. Every time i realize there is something funny with my mail i change the password and for a while then it is all fine. But now guys i have done it almost at an average of once a month and i have run short of all the references to create a password for myself.
Lost between the Ethics and Hacking i stand in this World wide Web -
to all the http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fictional_private_investigators
Monday, June 7, 2010
Dew drops lost in rain
It has been amazing, wonderful or mostly can't express the way i feel as my bundle of joy grows up.
It has been lovely seeing him grow and take his first baby steps towards taking charge of himself and being comfortable with it. Also its marvelous to experience the kind of freedom and need for care he continuously expresses and does not have any anxiety or apprehension about the switch between the two. I hope i could have that him in me it's just amazing to see him do so.
Some lovely dew drops i felt like capturing before they all get washed in the rain to come. Cause each one of them was special and that moment, as someone said will always be with me, nothing can capture that moment...
Some time back had gone to pick him up when his friend for the first time wanted a private moment between them and i was asked to stay out, even now writing about it brings smile - ear to ear - for me it was also a moment of joy when someone so special to me was now in the journey of become special to others
The other day he had a pool party on the last day of Summer camp. I packed his clothes for the party for after the pool session. In the evening a very excited he hugs me and tells me all about the party, in all his blabber about the party what he keeps repeating is - she said i look like a man - like shahrukh khan. For once i found shahrukh so amazing :)
These days he has also got into writing letter to his friend, still grapling with learning words, sometimes he gets upset on his dependency on us and wants to express and weave his own words in the letter to express his wishes and fondness to the friend. Its always cherishing to see him share his experience of how the letter was received by his friend. The other day he received a reply back and he kept asking me to read it over and over again, love him for his expression of affection and the joy ti bring to him just around that feeling. It doesn't matter to him if he is receiving it or giving.
This mothers day i was lucky, he got a idea of gifting me something from somewhere. It kept knowing him till he could finally make up his mind to make a card for me and gift it to me. Its a first gift from him to me of a different kinds and boy you make me feel the world of myself. Hey guys am i getting carried away...
The other day after his father, he decided to shave his hair off. He kept telling me about it, pestering me, i was not too sure if he really wanted it. A kid who otherwise was scared of Zero machine even running on part of his head will he want something like that all over his head. I kept ignoring his idea till the day we really had to go for a haircut. I asked him again if he was ready for it and what surprised me was his determination. He has been sporting a lovely bald since that day, carrying himself like no one can and enjoying every bit of loosing the volume of hair.
The list is long, his choice of colors he would like to ware, to the decision of what he would like to do with his free time and much more. I just want to thank him for letting me be part of these experiences of his
LOVE HIM
ADDING MORE PERLS
he is slowly exploring his need for loving, caring and showing affection. Lucky me - i am the immediate person he experiments with. He loves to say nice things these days in appreciation. He is slowly recognizing that there can be 'many' others in my life other then him and is slowly being comfortable with it. He is OK with sharing about his comfort and discomfort with it.
The other day he asked me - what jealousy was all about - i was trying to help him understand through examples. But what struck him the most is his own experience of how he feels when i play with other children, what was most amazing for me was his comfort with his jealousy
Recently he was so pleased to be served warm meal as soon as we reached home, that in reciprocation with little help he insisted and made me sit and served me warm meal, it amazes me to see how he is building brick by brick. What is most interesting is these are not stray incidents... they happen all the time :)
It has been lovely seeing him grow and take his first baby steps towards taking charge of himself and being comfortable with it. Also its marvelous to experience the kind of freedom and need for care he continuously expresses and does not have any anxiety or apprehension about the switch between the two. I hope i could have that him in me it's just amazing to see him do so.
Some lovely dew drops i felt like capturing before they all get washed in the rain to come. Cause each one of them was special and that moment, as someone said will always be with me, nothing can capture that moment...
Some time back had gone to pick him up when his friend for the first time wanted a private moment between them and i was asked to stay out, even now writing about it brings smile - ear to ear - for me it was also a moment of joy when someone so special to me was now in the journey of become special to others
The other day he had a pool party on the last day of Summer camp. I packed his clothes for the party for after the pool session. In the evening a very excited he hugs me and tells me all about the party, in all his blabber about the party what he keeps repeating is - she said i look like a man - like shahrukh khan. For once i found shahrukh so amazing :)
These days he has also got into writing letter to his friend, still grapling with learning words, sometimes he gets upset on his dependency on us and wants to express and weave his own words in the letter to express his wishes and fondness to the friend. Its always cherishing to see him share his experience of how the letter was received by his friend. The other day he received a reply back and he kept asking me to read it over and over again, love him for his expression of affection and the joy ti bring to him just around that feeling. It doesn't matter to him if he is receiving it or giving.
This mothers day i was lucky, he got a idea of gifting me something from somewhere. It kept knowing him till he could finally make up his mind to make a card for me and gift it to me. Its a first gift from him to me of a different kinds and boy you make me feel the world of myself. Hey guys am i getting carried away...
The other day after his father, he decided to shave his hair off. He kept telling me about it, pestering me, i was not too sure if he really wanted it. A kid who otherwise was scared of Zero machine even running on part of his head will he want something like that all over his head. I kept ignoring his idea till the day we really had to go for a haircut. I asked him again if he was ready for it and what surprised me was his determination. He has been sporting a lovely bald since that day, carrying himself like no one can and enjoying every bit of loosing the volume of hair.
The list is long, his choice of colors he would like to ware, to the decision of what he would like to do with his free time and much more. I just want to thank him for letting me be part of these experiences of his
LOVE HIM
ADDING MORE PERLS
he is slowly exploring his need for loving, caring and showing affection. Lucky me - i am the immediate person he experiments with. He loves to say nice things these days in appreciation. He is slowly recognizing that there can be 'many' others in my life other then him and is slowly being comfortable with it. He is OK with sharing about his comfort and discomfort with it.
The other day he asked me - what jealousy was all about - i was trying to help him understand through examples. But what struck him the most is his own experience of how he feels when i play with other children, what was most amazing for me was his comfort with his jealousy
Recently he was so pleased to be served warm meal as soon as we reached home, that in reciprocation with little help he insisted and made me sit and served me warm meal, it amazes me to see how he is building brick by brick. What is most interesting is these are not stray incidents... they happen all the time :)
Monday, May 31, 2010
Fears couched in Boundries
Something froze me ................i think i know what
Any way, what has happened is i think too often, and do little. I guess just need to reverse the order. Just live, just say , love, just express, and tell myself , you can never be ready for everything.
Some days before i was going through a article on Kashmir. Just have been back from there this April. Made some acquaintances, which are special. I would not call them my friends but you know how people in hills are they are some times even special then some 'friends'.
I was completely aware that it was an assignment a limited relationship and that is where it should end. But for a bright, young, chirpy, full of hopes and comfortable with her biases, the lady teacher in her prime- i, and a very few people like me she meets, was the hope to her journey outside. That was her need of engagement with me, i was aware of this would be very seductive to me.
Now after reading the article this need in me to be connected to their place found a medium through her. Also her village was very special to the work i did and to me. Now the clock started ticking should i call, should i not , can i at least text, should i just delete the number, is it crossing the professional boundary. Will different agencies be offended if they found out. will i be creating false hopes etc ........
Finally the thinking took so long, that it was late evening and for Kashmiri nights it would have been really late. So decided to send her a text finally, just remembering types. The thread of to call not to call was still in the mind more towards being convinced, let me call...
later thinking .............i realized that the hesitance was coming from somewhere else, what if the warmth i am calling with does not receive response in form of similar warmth, was the fear really. The fear was of hurt if some one says - oh! it was difficult to remember u. Or just a cold response. Will my image of this beautiful association distort, often a fear in taking any next steps in a relationship. The question is how much do i trust myself then, how much do i trust the relationships i build, how much do i trust others when i say i do. What is this need of heart always to be handled in a blanket of wool. Do i then not believe in the fiber of realtionship built and that it can take strength of what's to come to it.
I finally then couched in my fears kept thinking this next morning, that after this work i will call her,after that i will call her and all these clouds of fears just shattered with my phone busing, a warm voice longing to talk to me, with no expectations.
And i said to my self what a .................(it might mean different expression to different people, so just leaving it there)
Any way, what has happened is i think too often, and do little. I guess just need to reverse the order. Just live, just say , love, just express, and tell myself , you can never be ready for everything.
Some days before i was going through a article on Kashmir. Just have been back from there this April. Made some acquaintances, which are special. I would not call them my friends but you know how people in hills are they are some times even special then some 'friends'.
I was completely aware that it was an assignment a limited relationship and that is where it should end. But for a bright, young, chirpy, full of hopes and comfortable with her biases, the lady teacher in her prime- i, and a very few people like me she meets, was the hope to her journey outside. That was her need of engagement with me, i was aware of this would be very seductive to me.
Now after reading the article this need in me to be connected to their place found a medium through her. Also her village was very special to the work i did and to me. Now the clock started ticking should i call, should i not , can i at least text, should i just delete the number, is it crossing the professional boundary. Will different agencies be offended if they found out. will i be creating false hopes etc ........
Finally the thinking took so long, that it was late evening and for Kashmiri nights it would have been really late. So decided to send her a text finally, just remembering types. The thread of to call not to call was still in the mind more towards being convinced, let me call...
later thinking .............i realized that the hesitance was coming from somewhere else, what if the warmth i am calling with does not receive response in form of similar warmth, was the fear really. The fear was of hurt if some one says - oh! it was difficult to remember u. Or just a cold response. Will my image of this beautiful association distort, often a fear in taking any next steps in a relationship. The question is how much do i trust myself then, how much do i trust the relationships i build, how much do i trust others when i say i do. What is this need of heart always to be handled in a blanket of wool. Do i then not believe in the fiber of realtionship built and that it can take strength of what's to come to it.
I finally then couched in my fears kept thinking this next morning, that after this work i will call her,after that i will call her and all these clouds of fears just shattered with my phone busing, a warm voice longing to talk to me, with no expectations.
And i said to my self what a .................(it might mean different expression to different people, so just leaving it there)
Sunday, May 30, 2010
My nail, my ugly duckling
For some time have been look for more and more time to write a blog. For me writing is therapeutic. Finally confronted myself, no need to prove inelegance all the time just be.....cause that is rare. and So...
About a month back now i got hit by a car door and my left thumb badly got ruptured with the nail being affected mostly. The thumb was swollen thrice its size and tingly for number of days. Till my partner lovingly in the dead of the night took me the the hospital. Another friend commissioned a plastic surgeon who was like a power operated microscope for reading a book, to the wound. Forced to drug myself with antibiotic the wound dried too soon in a healthy body. And i escaped completing the course of antibiotic as always.
Hoping that the nail does not fall off and i do not have to look at the ugly flesh under the nail and stuff like that, i keep nurturing the existing nail, strengthening it with coat of nail paint, saving it form impact and all.
Guess nature has written laws long back for me to change or challenge. Some time when i was at one of the workshop a small little nail started emerging form beneath the existing nail. Too eager to see it progress of growth i scraped the top nail and have been doing so till date. What i see is nothing good. Its a little deformed and irregularly shaped nail with a bend in between and things. Stopped exploring it further as what i saw did not excite me.
Till today morning i though of it as an ugly duckling, the tender nail which soon will grow into its best to shine upon my lovely long finger, my little ugly duckling.
About a month back now i got hit by a car door and my left thumb badly got ruptured with the nail being affected mostly. The thumb was swollen thrice its size and tingly for number of days. Till my partner lovingly in the dead of the night took me the the hospital. Another friend commissioned a plastic surgeon who was like a power operated microscope for reading a book, to the wound. Forced to drug myself with antibiotic the wound dried too soon in a healthy body. And i escaped completing the course of antibiotic as always.
Hoping that the nail does not fall off and i do not have to look at the ugly flesh under the nail and stuff like that, i keep nurturing the existing nail, strengthening it with coat of nail paint, saving it form impact and all.
Guess nature has written laws long back for me to change or challenge. Some time when i was at one of the workshop a small little nail started emerging form beneath the existing nail. Too eager to see it progress of growth i scraped the top nail and have been doing so till date. What i see is nothing good. Its a little deformed and irregularly shaped nail with a bend in between and things. Stopped exploring it further as what i saw did not excite me.
Till today morning i though of it as an ugly duckling, the tender nail which soon will grow into its best to shine upon my lovely long finger, my little ugly duckling.
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