In search of spirituality

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Don't know how to start. also the title seems so not me, like not on my website, not my image. :)

have been an Atheist most of my conscious life. Never found much meaning in Religion, caste. Very early in life or may be not too early by today's times, i guess should be around 12ish, got introduced to Marx and youth movements etc. Some how the rebel in me found a base, a reference, a logic, a reasoning. Yes! but too bad as everything else seemed so wrong that it took me closer and closer to Atheism. I now believe that there was a time in my life when i had become a Fanatic Atheist.

Though this had a parallel of cultural exploration, something i love, celebrate and cherish, Cultures of world. But from my life experiences it has been mostly the diversity that India has to offer. it has been a seamless journey. Unfortunately, not so really, but often it is so intertwined with religion that, often to define and understand culture it often becomes impossible to keep it separate from religion.

This love for culture and my need for celebration took me closer to religion. I kept myself away from it, as mostly i saw both caste and religion as sources of division and labeling of people and often came in way of relating with people as people.

As i journied to rational living, i could understand peoples' need for religion. Actually my interaction with Tribal communities and their evolution of totems and their deities with symbols from nature, made this exploration more interesting. In many tribal communities they often worship tiger, snake or any such thing or a stone which is depiction of an 'unknown' image and often they worship it to keep 'that' spirit happy and to soothe themselves that that spirit will not harm them in any which way. This experience made a major dent in the way i looked at religion and took away Fanaticism out of Atheism.

Since then the cultural exploration has had many more facets to it and the journey has been more beautiful. Quite content with the newer exploration. Till the ghost of uncertainty bites me. Many of whom i have been talking look at faith differently and i have sneak peeked into their experiences, though i guess never talked about it with all.

Though at my end these uncertainties have brought in a new need in my life. Need for peace, clam, stillness. So wanted some association for that calm, have been thinking, God, religion, NAh! not me. I might do it for a need but, would never be true to it in my heart i know, then why even do it. Then tried looking for something more secular, non glamorous or stylish and real. Just like me:). Though not much success at that, hack and hack all the cells of my brain till finally

Tan a tan, a bright idea took me to my home library and actually as i was looking for something bright and rebellious. Some reason to celebrate and guess what i got, wisdom along. What really has taken my fancy is to Journey with Nelson Mandela's Long walk to freedom.

In this new journey, i am choosing to explore his journey to freedom and my journey to peace. Though one of his statements which has stuck in my mind for now is ....Often towards the end the oppressor decides the means of engagement (Scary!).